The Midnight News 04.01.04
Posted by Hyatte on 04.01.2004
The 411 Bloodfeud, Hanky Panky in the Sky, Vince McMahon Speaks, Benjamin, Quotes, and Message Boredom
Hey, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News part 2. Let’s go.
BUT, PLUGS
The Devil’s Playthings is a short story I wrote about 18 months or so ago and posted it on that top secret super private website I used to carry on about. Well, this is the first ever SECOND draft of that story.
A lot of would-be writers get stressed over the concept of re-writing something, and I was one. But I have to tell ya’, it’s pretty fun. All you do is read over the first draft and most of the dumb mistakes are fairly obvious (both in story and grammar). Hell, without even trying I aced out about 1’500 words of it, making it just a little over 11’000 words. So, if you are a writer and DREAD the concept of rewrites… don’t, it’s not as scary as you might think.
The story is about a degenerate gambler who just lost everything he owned in a huge, mob-like Executive Poker game, and that STILL isn’t enough to cover his losses. It’s a horror story, and a look into the mind of a hopeless gambler who is asked to put the ultimate sacrifice on the table in a game of High Card. Everyone who read the first draft liked it. The second draft isn’t TOO different from the first, but it’s tighter, and better paced, I think.
So be a good sport and give it a read. It’s at 411 Black, but there was a technical foul-up with it… but I fixed it by making a little blog site of my own. Rest assured tho’, there will be NO daily reports of what I watched on TV that day or anything Scooterish like that. But keep an eye on it all the same.
In fact, I put up the last Book of the Two Week thing there because it seems to have been lost here at 411… the short story is at the bottom.
HYATTE VS WIDRO: THE NEW BLOODFEUD
Hate to tickle your ass with a feather but…
Widro and I had a HUGE fight earlier this week and I had actually QUIT 411 for a good four hours tonight because of it. Then we made up. I have to get his permission first, but if he says okay, I’ll post the transcript of the fight next week. It’s short and funny.
He’s so CUTE when he’s all huffy.
WHO WATCHES THIS CRAP??
Not me, after Mondays I’m pretty rassled-out
Smackdown is on tonight. I’m sure things happen.
TNA was on yesterday. Go sniff around online, I’m SURE there are about a billion recaps.
Why is GoldyLocks running around with a black wig? Why isn’t she hired by the WWE by now? Why are her talents being WASTED???
Why do I care? Oh, right, I don’t.
CRASHING INTO SPACE MOUNTAIN
I don’t know WHAT to make of this whole sexual harassment lawsuit on Scott Hall, Ric Flair, and Dustin Runnels. Actually, I do have a few thoughts…
1: Where the HELL was management?
2: Why does Flair walk around off-camera in his robe?
3: They say Flair was “swinging his penis round and round” Damn that lucky bastard. I tried that once, ended up punching myself in the balls. The only thing I EVER had down there that was somewhat long was the umbilical cord, and man, that was a great 9 months.
4: Scott Hall allegedly told a Stewardess to “suck his dick”… half of us wouldn’t have been BORN if it weren’t for those three words phrased as a demand.
5: Geeze, wrestlers being rowdy and low-class. The FUCK is this? Bizarro world?
6: The WORST part of all this is that Dave Scherer is ALREADY claiming to have INVENTED the phrase “plane ride from hell”. He can have it, so long as everyone agrees that I am the man who originated the phrase: “Dave Scherer’s ass likes Hispanic penis”
When asked to comment, local wrestling douchebag Rob Feinstein said: “This is an outrage and a blatant lie! Hall is a drunkard who was probably passed out for the whole trip, Flair is an old stinkbutt, and everyone knows Dustin only gets it up for trannys. These allegations are outrageous and ridiculous! Attention, Haley Joel Osment, if you’re listenbuing, give me a call… my cell number is 828-655… WAIT, DON’T GO TO A COMMERCIAL!! HALEY, LET’S MEET!! LET’S GET TOGETHER!!! HAL..”
This has been the POINTLESS RON FEINSTEIN SLANDEROUS JOKE OF THE WEEK(part 2)!!! COURTESY OF CHRIS HYATTE AND 411MANIA!! 411MANIA: ONE, BIG, HAPPY FAMILY!!
AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC
So one day I was bumming around online, charming the pants off of 20 year old girls from around the country (and Canada) when… all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I get THIS IM:
WWEVinMac: I wanna be in your column
Hyatte1com: And you are?
WWEVinMac: Vince McMahon. THE Vince McMahon
Of course, I was careful. You only fool me ONCE, god dammit! So, I asked him a bunch of questions only the TRUE Vince would know and he answered one or two of them before getting irritated and saying: WWEVinMac: Look, it’s me! Now either let me send you something for your column on a regular basis or I’ll find some OTHER asshole to make famous!!
Guys… this is legit! And Jesus Christ, I can’t contain my excitement! It’s him! The REAL Vince McMahon! This isn’t like the last time, I SWEAR… I know better!!
Look, GODDAMMIT!! I’ve been doing this for YEARS now… I am A NET CELEBRITY!!! IS IT TOO MUCH OUT OF THE QUESTION THAT VINCE MCMAHON WOULD COME TO ME WHEN HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY??? OF COURSE IT IS NOT!!!
Anyway, I don’t know WHY he came back… but he did, and you would think he’d be gloating after the recent successes of Wrestlemania and the draft… but he seems to have a new bug up his ass. I don’t know, but he’s VINCE MCMAHON, DAMMIT… you WILL listen to what he has to say:
So, without further adieu, I am proud to present, EXCLUSIVELY to the Midnight News: The Attack from the McMac: by Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Fruit of my loins
Reaction was so strong to my previous column, and if this imbecile would be so kind as to provide a link,you can re-read it for yourself, that I am obliged and grateful to offer some more choice words for your discernment.
I’m not here to receive your applause for the overwhelming success of Wrestlemania XX, (where it all began… again), I’m more than happy to receive your money for it instead. I do thank you for allowing us into your living rooms on that magical night, just as I am assured that you are thanking me for the five hours of entertainment that I provided for you. I’m sure you all enjoyed yourselves while you cheerfully gourged yourself on chicken wings and beer. Simple pleasures from the simple minds of the audience. Many a man has made billions on that simple philosophy.
Nor am I here to discuss the Lottery draft. I understand that many of you have complained about the lack of “big stars” that could have shuffled between shows like so many chickens. That is YOUR problem, if you thought about it, you would see that the message I have sent is as loud and as obvious as a Russo ratings ploy: of COURSE there were huge superstar shakeups in the lottery, each and every ball that was picked that night held the name of a HUGE WWE Superstar. From what I’ve seen, there were nothing BUT huge WWE Superstar movements that night! From Triple H to Nidia to Spike Dudley.
No, I am here for something else. I would like to discuss a subject that has been troubling me as of late. One that directly concerns you.
When the smoke from the lottery had cleared and even the dullest of minds from the dimmest of Internet Pagans had understood that Smackdown would feature a brand new General Manager, most, if not all of you automatically assumed that my daughter, Stephanie, would reclaim her character’s title and lead Smackdown to new, unheralded heights. And, had it not been for Kurt Angle’s minor injury, this would certainly be the case, yet she has chosen to stay off television for a little while longer and sacrifice her role to Kurt, with honor and with generosity. And, while Kurt Angle is certainly a desired presense on either brand show, the sense of… relief from you marks concerning his new role left me less than thrilled. It is reticent of a growing sense of… resentment perhaps?... towards my daughter and the very important role she plays, not only on television, but behind the scenes, where few people truly are aware of. It’s a sense of resentment, and for some of you, a sense of hatred towards my daughter.
In short, and using small words so you can understand, you seem to hate Stephanie McMahon. Not her character, but the person.
How dare you.
Who do you traitorous leeches on the anal stink of humanity think you are to hate MY daughter? Have you any CLUE who she is? Have you a notion of her contributions to the WWE product? No, you do not! Neither does that unforgiveable spitfuck, David Meltzer! You think he knows anything? He does NOT, all he knows is what some low-level shoe polisher tells him (and when I finally locate the cancerous drop of beetle dung who is telling him about what goes n in the company—in MY company—oh, the hell I will bring down on him OR her, God Himself will SHUDDER at the Biblical fury of which I shall bring on this traitor!)
My daughter has done more for the success of this company, she has FORGOTTEN more about the business, then you could ever possibly, learn. If you had a MILLENIA to study the business, you couldn’t fill a… a… a THIMBLE-FULL of the knowledge she possesses! And yet, you sewer-dwelling gobs of ape semen consider her abhorrent? You insipid peons have SOME NERVE! SOME NERVE INDEED!
My daughter is beautiful, witty, charming, and harnesses more brain power in one SECOND of time than your entire family line has in it’s entire HISTORY. You don’t hate her, you want to fornicate with her. Who wouldn’t?
The fact of the matter is: Stephanie McMahon IS the WWE. To hate her is to hate my company, to hate my company is to not support it, to not support it is to not purchase the pay per views and watch the television shows! And that’s the ironic joke that I am presenting to you. I hope you fathom it. I hope you get it.
How can you hate Stephanie when you keep handing her your rent checks? Explain that to me? You can’t. You’re not bright enough.
Will Mick Foley show Randy Orton the ways of Hard-Core? Can Edge launch a successful return to the ring when his first match is against the monster known as Kane? Can Triple H recover his heavyweight championship in a Three-way re-match against his old adversary Shawn Michaels and new champion, Chris Benoit? Will Chris Jericho get revenge on not only Christian, but Trish Stratus? And how will Sheldon Benjamin continue the remarkable roll that he is on after upsetting Triple H on the last Raw? What other matches are planned for the next great WWE Raw brand pay per view? You can find out by ordering Backlash. Coming April 18th to Edmonton, Alberta Canada. Call your satellite and pay per view provider for details. It’s what Stephanie wants.
Cocksuckers. I hope you all die.
And that’s my Attack
Amazing… absolutely amazing.
This time I SWEAR, it’s really legit! I mean, who the HELL would use WWEVinMac@yahoo.com as his e-mail address? It HAS to be him!
Please write to him… FLOOD his mail box so he’ll come back again and again!! But be nice, make me look good!
God… my mind is, like, SO blown right now. Thank you, Mr. McMahon, sir.
ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMIN
You gotta wonder where this will go:
GOOFUS says that the Benjamin upset over Triple H is merely a strategic attempt by the WWE to re-enforce their claims that everyone gets a fair shake in the company
GALLANT says that Sheldon Benjamin got the rub because he is a bright, shining star in a company that loves to develop and nurture the best and the brightest.
GOOFUS says that the last time we had such a major upset was when the Rock put over the Hurricane, and look what happened with that.
GALLANT says that the Hurricane is, unfortunately TRAPPED in his own gimmick and must break out into a more believeable, grounded role before getting a push he deserves.
GOOFUS says that Benjamin must have blown someone backstage reeeeeal good
GALLANT says that Benjamin carries himself like a star and is treated as such, on his own merits only.
GOOFUS says that this is a way to keep the spotlight on Triple H.
GALLANT says that Triple H is a fierce competitor and a shrewd business-man who understands that the prosperity of the business that he loves must rest on the development on new stars.
GOOFUS says that the Raw champion, Chris Benoit hasn’t been featured in the main event on his own show since Wrestlemania, except for a post-PPV handicapped tag match featuring Triple H’s “Evolution”, and he has only defended his title once in the last 4 weeks.
GALLANT shoots Goofus in the balls with a Glock and screams: “I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR ATTITUDE, DICKFACE” then he shoots himself in the head.
So there you have it.
A VERY IMPORTANT PRICK
Two days ago I said this:
Speaking of the Torch… the dude who used to let me use his VIP password decided that I needed to pay him back by plugging a dumb ass e-fed… so I told him to go fuck himself… so I need a new VIP password… if anyone wants to assist me and help me make MAJOR fun of the Torch blowhards, drop me a line and help a brotha’ out! Thanks.
Well, within a DAY I got one!
THAT’S RIGHT KELLER!!! I’M IN YOUR OH-SO-IMPORTANT, OH-SO-FOR-THE-SPECIAL-PEOPLE V.I.P SECTION FOR ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY!!! THE FOX IS BACK IN YOUR HENHOUSE, WADE!!!!! AND BY GOD, I’M GONNA REPORT ON WHAT YOU LITTLE CHICKENS ARE UP TO!!! THE FUNRIDE IS OVER, JACKASS!!! NOW I’M GONNA RIP YOUR WORLD, AND YOUR WRITERS APART!!!!!!
NA NA NANA NAAAAAAAAA
Trust me, this stuff drives Wade Keller CRAZY!!
By the way, I ALSO get into PWinsider AND 1bob for free too… in fact, right now, the only thing I’m paying to get into is pussy.
Speaking of which, someone promised me anal sex if I could get her a pass into April Hunter’s site. Anyone want to help a brother out?
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB (an overview)
Before I jump into a new book, I thought it would be best if we take a quick peak at the last five or so books I’ve covered here, there, and all over the frickin place. It’s my… ATTEMPT to coordinate a reading list for YOU to enjoy this summer… it is YOUR DUTY to read at least 3 and no more than 5 of the books in this selection!
Links are provided in case one of these books grabs your fancy enough to check out my more in-depth analysis AND excerpt:
McSweeney’s Mammoth Treasury of Thrilling Tales edited by Michael Chabon: Several short stories from such huge literary names as Stephen King, Michael Crighton, and Elmore Leonard. Unfortunately, most of the stories fall pretty flat, but there are a lot of them and the books pretty cheap. You’ll probably find a solid 7 or so that you’ll really like.
Women by Charles Bukowski: A brutally honest account of what type of female is attracted to a 50-something alcoholic, burnt-out poet. But in this case, “brutal” doesn’t necessarily mean depressing. A really good book that’s a blast to read. It’s virtually prose-free too.
AAT: The Taking of Triple H by Chris Hyatte: What can be said about this short story that I haven’t screamed about already? It’s free and it’s the best thing IWC related that you’ll ever read, until of course, I get to And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night
The Brethren by John Grisham: It’s Grisham, so you probably read it already. But check out the review anyway and see why I call it one of Grisham’s “Good” books.
The Partner by John Grisham: Same as up top, but this is an example of Grisham’s “Bad” books.
The Testament by John Grisham: Same as the previous two, except this is Grisham when he’s feeling “Ugly”, and oh man… when he gets ugly, things get BRUTAL.
For some reason, the review of The Testament is lost in the 411 archives… so I re-posted it on my little blog site. I’ll keep it there for a couple of weeks, just until everyone has a chance to look at it, if you so want.
Meanwhile, feel free to click here for an overview of the previous five books and then click here for an overview of the first five books. This way, you’ll be all caught up!
Next week, a new book, that’ll be a non-fiction book about a drug addict in rehab. Then we have a short story collection from a CHICK, a really bad book that I thought would rock and was sorely disappointed, and… oh who knows.
I am Hyatte… READ SOMETHING FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!
I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming. Especially Justin Parr, who is clearly the MVP of sending these quotes out. Thanks bro’
Nice mix of old, oldish, and new this week… including one that just went down last Monday!!
We start off with a VERY PROPHETIC exchange from 12 years ago!!
1: You know you should wear a hat and call yourself, ‘Good Old JR’- Jesse
…Right- Jim Ross: Superbrawl in 1992!!!!
2: You got Dusty Rhodes who comes out here with Baby Doll, a woman who can wear his clothes and he calls her a sexy woman. Well Rhodes you and I got a different view on what a sexy woman is suppose to look like, WHOOOOOO- Flair
3: Look at the coward Janetty, he tried to jump through the glass window to escape Shawn Michaels.- Heenan
ARE YOU CRAZY? Gorilla Monsoon: WWF TV ‘92
4: Paul Bearer is hiding from the Undertaker.- McMahon
Hard to hide when you're 500 lbs.- JR
You oughta know, Ross.- Lawler: 1997
5: Of course Sherri loves me. And I love her. Not as much as she loves me. Not as much as I love me.- HBK circa-early 90’s
6: How soon we forget, Rock. You have to ask yourself: oh wait a minute - sure, you would have been a star without Vince McMahon. I agree - the Rock would have been a star without Vince McMahon - but you would have NEVER have been a superstar! You would have achieved a certain level of stardom - matter of fact, if we take a little makeup - great big bulbous ball, put it on the end of your nose, you'da made a pretty good Doink the Clown! No, you would have! I mean, if we could take some feathers around Thanksgivin' time and sort of gingerly put them around your derriere, you might even have been a good Gobbledygooker - or, let's face it: you could have allowed yourself to physically go to hell, gain a buncha weight, grown some warts - you'd have made a great Bastion Booger, too. I know you would have!- Vince to the Rock: Raw 2000
7: You all can get on your knees and thank the Franchise for putting a 53 year old piece of shit out the pasture.
(fans cheering and clapping)
What a bunch of fuckin' turncoats! Because if Terry Funk was here tonight, you be all down in your knees sucking his dick, bowing to him and saying how great he was. You are bunch of two-face motherfuckers! - Shane Douglas
8: I’m not dumb. So I don’t know who Karl Marlone is. I know his brother Sam from Cheers- Heenan: Nitro ‘98
9: Roddy Piper, why do want Uncle Elmer's wedding not to happen?- Okerlund
Because there's a chance he could have kids. Imagine 5 more Uncle Elmers. Who in the hell needs that?- Piper
10: Okay Benjamin, you proved your point with Triple H. It’s enough- Lawler
POWERSLAM!!!- Ross
I said it’s ENOUGH!- Lawler: last Raw
Okay then, let’s wrap things up with a VERRRY popular segment… one that unites ALL OF US as one, big, retarded, pack of faggots…
ACROSS THE BOARDS
You know what this is… but I’ll tell you anyway…
Every so often, not nearly as much as most web guys, I SCOUR various message boards looking for funny, interesting, unique, ENTERTAINING quotes. Once I locate a few (and you wouldn’t BELIEVE how long it takes, I hijack them and post them here, UNCREDITED (and amazingly, some people actually feel this is bad, that I’m stealing their “material”).
This week, I hit SEVERAL… as to which ones, I ain’t telling. Why give them press? I hate most of them anyway.
Well, okay, I admit… I plundered the TORCH VIP MESSAGE BOARD FOR A LOT OF THEM!!! THAT’S RIGHT, WADE, I’M GETTING ALL YOUR PAY-SITE STUFF FOR FREE!!!!! DOESN’T THAT SUCK??? DON’T YOU WISH I WAS DEAD??? BWAHAHAHAHAAA… YOU DOPE!!!!
Oh, and I also took a couple of quotes from here. This is the Aint-It-Cool Talkback forum discussing Kevin Smith’s new movie, “Jersey Girl”. Feel free to spend 30 minutes going through it… it is funny as HELL.
Anyway, the purpose of this section is to see what YOU, John Q NetVirgin is bitching about… and as usual, you all scream and carry-on about the same old thing… doesn’t matter how many months pass… it’s always the same.
One day I’ll rate and list the worst boards there are… oh no I won’t… it just occurred to me how tedious that would be… forget it.
Besides, the A1 message board is CLEARLY the lamest…. Nothing but thread after thread of how everything sucks. Same 10 people do all the posting too… rather pitiful, actually
Anyway, off we go… enjoy it, people… this is what’s on YOUR mind:
“Wade needs to tighten Mitchell's leash. Soon.”
“Presenting Shelton Benjamin, Your Next Intercontinental Champion.”
“Billy Gunn has more talent then 90% of the indy scene.”
“Bradshaw's turn is just way to get US voters to vote for Vince's man in 2004. Like subliminally or something.”
“Yes, there's nothing more funny than watching an elderly man sexually force himself on a female. That, my friends, is COMEDY GOLD!!!”
“my name is nobody. kevin smith sucks ass all over the place, and only a select few seem to understand this. his writing, his direction, it's all bad. please join me in praying for his death.”
“Shelton has little very little charisma and unless he gets some acting lessons, he's unlikely to get anywhere and I think Trips knows it.”
“Yeah, all Benjamin does is have great matches. That'll never get him over.”
“Cell Phone has been done, laptop's been done, haliburton's been done (even though if he's playing a Bushie, that would be the most appropos, hyuk hyuk), palm pilot doesn't have that special feel of KILLS BABYFACES DEAD. And then in the middle of writing this post, it occurred to me...you could always amalgomate the two gimmicks and give him a bullrope with a gold-plated cowbell. They always liked putting him and Hansen in the same sentence anyway. Besides, having a gold cowbell will fall right in line with the WWE traditionally being 12-24 months behind on any trend or pop culture catchphrase.”
“Michaels back injury was actually worse than the Dynamite Kid's in 1986. The difference is, Shawn had better doctors with better technology, and he took 4 and a half years off. Tommy Billington took about 3 or 4 weeks...”
“What is the percentage of Wrestling embarrassments vs NFL or NBA's mishaps. I would like to think that WWE is way better overall as far as negative press goes. A bunch of drug munching men who are on the road alot are bound to get restless.”
“Flair was seen ‘spinning his penis around’? I don't want to know what that means. I don't want to know what that looks like. Can I get the procedure from ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ to erase that image from my brain?”
“ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT SOMEOEN RIPS ME OFF MR MISTER MATT ANGRY YOUNG MAN AND ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT HIS COLUMNS SUCK BUT WHY IN GODS GREEN EARTH DOES THE DOI ALLOW THE BIGGEST MARK OF THEM ALL, ERIC SIMMS, WRITE COLUMNS? ALL HE WRITES ABOUT IS HOW ALL THE LEGENDS LOVE HIM. TRUST ME IRON SHIEK HATES HIM AND TOLD ME THAT 9 YEARS AGO!”
“I love it when ya call me big poppa”
“You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the diet coke of evil. Just one calorie-- not evil enough.”
“A mentally disabled wrestler? WWE creative team is really on a roll.... racism ... nationalism... homosexuality ...necrophilia.... I wonder what's next....a one legged Cancer surviving wrestler...who gets tossed around like a rag doll? I'm sure stock prices will surge since WWE is coming up with such great ideals now...this stuff is not Entertainment.”
“Im gonna say this 2005 will be the year they will pick things up in the WWE and they will be on top like years ago”
“Nailz. An escaped convict from Cobb County, Georgia? To enact revenge on the big boss man? Possibly the best gimmick of all time my friends!”
“If you guys hate Christian's attire than you'd hate nightlife in Toronto. Christian is very Toronto Chic. C'mon guys, life can't always be about sweat pants and ballcaps.”
“I'm not saying Triple H is blameless - but let's not pin everything that's wrong with the WWE on him. Next thing you know, people are going to start accusing him of kidnapping the Lindbergh baby.”
“All I know about Dawn Marie's breasts are they are large enough to stop traffic. I know they stopped traffic once after a ECW show that I saw. Everyone just stopped and gawked. Men and women alike. I guess it's sorta like seeing the Rocky Mountains for the first time.”
“Dude, this is wrestling, everything is based on something stupid!!!”
“Yeah, really funny, you guys. Sexual harassment is something to be laughed at and taken lightly.”
“Any match with Kamala is a dream match.”
“Johnny Blaze, Johnny Spade, Johnny Nitro. What's the point of this gimmick?”
“My nipples look forward to your stomach”
“Nidia hit a Northern Lights suplex with the bridge. Nidia is now my new favorite wrestler.”
“And finally, please people... no Jokes about Ric's ‘Little Naitch.’”
“I've known, and dealt with, Russo, since the early 1990s, and I'm willing to bet this is just another way to keep his names in the headlines, rather than a change in philosophy. I've heard his, ‘I'm retiring in a year,’ speech way too many times to buy it, at this point.”
“If you're ever in Cleveland, I'm buying you a high-classed whore brother!”
“Billy Gunn won't need a manager cause he is teaming with Hardcore Holly and they won;t need a manager. I hate to say this Gunn and Holly will be wwe smackdown tag team champions before the dudleys are”
“Well seeing as they had the match, and HHH was ‘traded’ right back to Raw after anyway, the least HHH could've done was job to Eddy~!”
“Benjamin's LOADED with charisma. People who've seen his work in OVW will attest to that. In fact, the cockiness he showed in the match with HHH makes me think he'll wind up as a new member of Evolution and get a big push.”
“Will bukkake for food”
“They should have a t-shirt that says ‘Lick my balls’ on the front, then on the back it says ‘The Undertaker’.
“Are you all nuts the best gimmick has got to be Mantaur!!! half man half beast it doesn't get any better than that”
“Austin's biggest trouble is that women keep walking in front of his fists. What's wrong with dem broads?”
“Next PPV! ‘Happy Drunk’ Ric Flair vs. ‘Angry Drunk’ Steve Austin! Both men pound a 12-pack on the way to the ring! Loser goes to rehab!”
“If you can't come up with something clever to say in here, it ain't my fault”
“Don't forget that much of what was popular about ECW was the ‘fuck WWF, fuck WCW, fuck Vince, fuck Bischoff’ mentality. Being an ECW fan was at least in part the loyalty that comes for cheering for the underdog. A WWE-owned ECW, no matter if it is ‘owned’ by Paul Heyman, no matter how many ECW alums it brings together, wouldn't be a fraction of what it once was. It'd still be filled mostly with B-level WWE talent that people aren't watching overnight on Saturdays now anyway.”
“this is ridiculous, if Nick Dinsmore wants to be a future star of wwe. if he portrays a retarded character than he will have a tough time making a transition into a normal wrestler. making a mentally handicapped person the champion could maybe do a little bit of good saying that everyone is equal and shit, but it would take some credibility away from the belts. i am against this gimmick. if you want a gimmick, make him something mysterious and shit like sting or taker (back in the day). i really dont see this gimmick working, but who knows...maybe i will be proved wrong.”
“if anyone gets offended, they shouldnt be watching wrestling, try seventh heaven instead”
“the Stone Cold-esque Bradshaw would have never gotten over again. I, too, am hoping he wrestles in the suspenders and tie just like IRS. Maybe he can change the name of the Clothesline from Hell to something like ‘the Market Crash’ of the ‘The Impact(er)’ (after all he did use the word "impact" about 63 times last night).”
“I've heard Shawn inherited millions from an elderly woman, but I've never heard she was a fan.”
“let's not turn this thread into something stupid”
“There is no god, and there is damn sure no messiah. Not for me.”
“What makes Christian's clothing choice even worse is that one week he'll wear the wild ‘Queer Eye’ clothes (as they are now being called), but then he'll show up in a tacky sweat suit (last night) or that dirty ‘Yes, I am Canadian’ jean jacket with the wool liner. Just kidding about the Canadian joke... kind of..
“If you STOP paying to see a Ben Affleck movie, Hollywood will stop putting out Ben Affleck movies. Then we won't have to deal with who Affleck is fucking anymore, we won;t have to see him on magazine covers, and we won't have to watch him explain to Jay Leno how "no, no, forget about the last movie that I said was good, THIS movie is the keeper." People, Affleck's bombs are starting to pile up, Hollywood is starting to get the hint. Please, for the love of ALLAH, stop supporting Ben Affleck films, yes even THIS one, and the possibility that we'll get a Hollywood that doesn't have Ben Affleck might, just MIGHT become a reality!! Wouldn't that be cool?”
Why… yes, it WOULD be cool…. Very cool.
I’m done… will I be back next week? Depends on how many VICIOUS BLOOD FEUDS I get into with Widro… keep an eye on the closest thing I’ll ever have to my own website for details.
Last column was 17 pages. This column was 15. The one, fat solo MidNews usually ran no more than 25 pages. So yer getting a LOT more bang for your buck.
I’m gonna have to work on this some more.
This is Hyatte